11/25/08

They say I am broken,
And they want me fixed,
But they have no idea
That all of my emotions are mixed.
I hear their laughter and stories,
While my own spirit is dead,
So many thoughts of anger and hurt
Running through my head.
They call themselves friends,
But they are never around,
For the cries of the soul,
They make no sound.
So quick to judge you
When you make a mistake,
But don't say a word
When you get a piece of life's cake.
I guess through the grief
I have learned one thing
My angel is watching
Taking me under her wing.
For it is her
Who listens to me
Even when others
Just quite don't see.

Dear Journal

So I've realized that you can't really say everything on here that you would like to say all the time. But boy if I did would it make for great entertainment sometimes...lol. So I've taken up journaling now. I mean old school, pen & paper journaling. It is actually very therapeutic except for the fact that an internal scream on paper isn't as good as the real thing. It has also inspired me to write poetry again. I used to write quite a bit when I was in my early teens and I probably wrote something at least once a day. Brad laughs because I could literally spend an hour or two sitting on our bed just writing out all of my frustrations and thoughts in that little spiral notebook. Does it solve all of my problems? No, but it helps me cope with things about my life that are never going to change and that I am going to have to learn to deal with. I guess you could say that I have a low tolerance to ignorance, carelessness, and other attributes like that. Instead of saying, "Hey, why doesn't your lazy ass do something" I can just journal it so I don't look like the bitch...lol.

I guess I am sort of cursed because I have my dad's wicked temper with a mixture of my mom's good-heartedness and those two are like fire and ice. That makes it tough to balance out feelings sometimes because you get torn between being nice and being pissed. So I have found that writing doesn't have to make sense since it is a combination of my rambling thoughts and my frustrations. I had initially intended for my blog to be a diary of sorts but decided that no one wanted to listen to a moody twenty something year old complain about the idiots in her life or in the world in general. I guess I am just constantly in amazement of the lack of compassion people have for each other and it has somewhat destroyed my faith in humankind itself.

Journaling also reminds of me of the things that are most important to me and the things that are well...not priorities. I've made lists comparing people, places, and things and come to many solutions by looking at the pros and cons. It allows me to better myself by reading and reflecting back on entries to get a look from the outside in. To see what others may see that I don't. I think it also helps you identify yourself as a person. You realize patterns or trends in your behaviors, likes, and dislikes. Some people may choose to blog online but I guess I just have WAY too many controversial thoughts for all of that. But I have found that writing down my feelings and thoughts actually helps more than any medication, vacation, or person ever could. It leaves my mind at peace at the end of the day.

My Thankful Mistakes

So of course around this time of year everyone starts talking about what they are thankful for. It usually starts with a loving family and ends somewhere with health like my previous post. But for this entry I wanted to mix it up a little bit and make a list of all of the "mistakes" I made that I am thankful for now. Sometimes we get caught up in our failures but then years down the road we are glad that things didn't turn out the way we wanted them to. So here is my list of thankful mistakes...



#1 That I didn't finish my x-ray tech degree @ Vol State. At the time my father was heartbroken and told me that I would never find a job in accounting. I still look back and wonder if I would have been happy in the medical field but then when I remind myself of the hellish hours and all of the sick people I feel more secure in my decision.



#2 I made a few bad choices regarding my relationship and I quickly realized who was there and who was not. Needless to say my Christmas card list is much shorter now and there is a lot less drama. Do the people talk trash about me? Probably not, but if they do it's worth it to have people gone who don't care about you.



#3 I got hammered for the first time at the tender age of 13. Once I saw how much it upset my mother that was it for me. I never really drank much after that (even after I turned 21). I look back and think that seeing how alcohol effected the people I love so much made me not want to hurt them.



#4 Perming my hair...lol. And I mean in 2002 not 1992. It was so easy to manage and take care of so I just went with it. As weird as this may sound Brad actually asked me why I didn't get my hair permed again recently. I guess my permed hair helped lure him in. Ha! It must have been the smell. Guys are so weird!



#5 Calling off my original wedding date of 6/7/08. Although we only moved it out 5 months it definitely gave me some time to sit back and make sure that this was 100% what I wanted to do. Not necessarily saying that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with Brad but I was just so scared of marriage. You always hear negative comments but rarely hear positive ones. Then I realized that it's up to us to make it work and be a happy thing not others experiences. I'm 100% sure of my decision now!



#6 That I completely snapped and freaked out these past few months. It has drawn those closer that truly love me and care about me and pushed those away who are all about themselves. Relationships have grown stronger and I really see that I do have people that I can count on no matter what. I just need to spend more time putting my energy towards those people instead of the others.



#7 That I didn't go back to get my MBA. If I would have went straight on to graduate school I wouldn't have been able to work at my current job and move up the ladder. And with the economy in a slump I might have ended up scanning canned goods at Walmart with my degree. I've started to focus more on my skills than my education. I can educate myself but you can only learn skills hands-on.



#8 That Brad and I moved into together before we got married. A lot of people gave us criticism for that since it was "sin" but I am glad that we did it b/c it showed us that we are capable of living together without killing one another. It would have sucked to get married only to realize that it wasn't working and then get a divorce.



Well I guess that is all for now. I'm sure my list could go on and on because God knows I've probably made more mistakes than accomplishments but that is what keeps pushing me. It's kind of like that show My Name is Earl where Earl is constantly trying to make up for his mistakes by making a list and correcting them. Sometimes though we just have to move on from our mistakes b/c someday down the road it will be the best mistake we ever made.

Sue Annie....Mrs. Christman if you're nasty

No, my new last name is not Christmas as funny as it looks or sounds. The joke was semi-cute at first but now it is just really corny. So we tied the knot on November 15th and it is the beginning of the best journey ever! Once you stop listening to everyone else's opinions and experiences and so on you begin to see marriage in a whole different aspect. Brad and I are both excited about all of the things we will get to experience together now as husband and wife. So I guess that means that no kiddos will be in the near future guys. Call it selfish but we would prefer to travel and do a few things for ourselves before we get into all that. If we concieve (by accident) then great but if not then I'm not a rush by any means. I've always thought that I wanted kids ASAP after I got married but now I look around and I've decided that we should probably enjoy being married first. Everyone's outlook is always different on these sorts of things and this is just mine so don't assume that I am saying this is what works for everyone else. How would I know?

So we are getting ready to host our first Thanksgiving which I am extremely excited about! New house, new marriage, new families joined together, new family traditions, new recipes!!! Could it get much better? I've bought all of the ingredients for the made from scratch casseroles, the turkey, the ham, tablecloths, centerpieces for the tables, and much much more. I must say that this holiday season is much different than last years. And it is ironic because I have much more tragedy in my life this year. I guess it just makes us appreciate the good times, right? I could look at this Thanksgiving and get sad about all of the people that won't be there this year (or ever for that matter) but I'm going to let their spirits live on in me. I think that is the best form of honoring someone who has passed away...especially when they were good people.

Friday we will head out to Bristol to be with the family there and hang out until Sunday. Brad is getting sick of going out of town I know. Between going to visit my aunt in hospice, our wedding, and my aunt's funeral I know he just wants to be at OUR house sometimes. I just think it is really important for families to spend holidays together and now that we are one it's even more important. Bristol is like a whole different world than Smyrna so it's kind of like going to another country (in my mind anyways). The people speak a little slower and move at a slower pace which can drive a man w/ ADD insane but at the same time they are so loving, compassionate, and just all around supportive. It feels like everyone there would give their last dollar if you needed it. There are a bunch of good people in that community. Now I see why my family hasn't moved.

It's crazy to think that 2009 will be here before we know it! I will definitely be celebrating! It is going to be a big, new and better year for me I know. Cut back on the bad habits (which I don't have by the way...lol ), spend more time doing things that I enjoy, say No when I don't want to do something, find a hobby that I like, learn to just deal w/ work until something better comes along, quit wasting time on the wrong people and surround myself w/ the kind of people I want to be like, laugh more, live more, and just love more. I've never really looked at a new year as anything special but this year it will be more than a number to me. It represents making it through one hell of a year and coming out alive. Heck...not just alive, but alive with a wonderful new husband, wonderful friends, the best family ever, and good health! Cheers!